Friday, June 21, 2013

Talking without talking

I am writing this as a sort of response to my brother who posted this earlier this week. I find it inspiring that he is willing to share so much of himself to what has the potential to be a completely unknown audience. Even if the only people who read it are close friends and family, he’s got guts. And so I will call on a behaviour I locked onto as a child, If he can do it damned if I can’t too!.

This has been a really great week for me. I was able to discuss a few issues related to my job with my boss and I felt well received. I was instrumental in the running of a major event here in the capital. I had some really great back and forth with family. AND I found out I GET TO SEE PAUL MCCARTNEY!! So it’s fair to say my spirits are high.

But this isn’t always the case. I know it is “normal” to have ups and downs and I can accept that about myself and of others around me. What I’m not so great at is admitting when I may be a little down. Or admitting anything about myself that goes much deeper than skin.

I like to think that I am great at making friends. Realistically I think I am great at making acquaintances. Without puffing my chest up too much, I’m pretty awesome, people like me, and that’s fantastic. I wouldn’t want it any other way. What I would like is to have a few more meaningful relationships in my life. People that I can view as a priority that view me in the same light. A partner in crime and in bed isn’t too much to expect is it?

If this post goes unread I can look at it as an exercise. How to be open without actually having to say anything out loud. And for me that is a step in the right direction, I think.

Brian dabbled in his recent sexual exploits; I don’t have any to report. So sorry? If you were hoping for tales of sexy times on the beach read his blog not mine.

Ultimately though I’d like to talk a little bit about mental health. I have seen family members and close friends struggle with various metal health issues, problems, things, (why can’t I come up with a term that has a more positive connotation?) over the years. I feel stable but that doesn’t mean I am free from trapping myself in my own head from time to time. READ: pretty much daily. Even writing this I am second guessing what is “OK” to put down and what is taboo.

It is PRIDE month, well everywhere except Ottawa. I am single. That upsets me. Though not as much as the idea of finding someone terrifies me. I know I need to get some things sorted with me before I become part of a we. I just find I come back around to a familiar thought.         

To be a teenager again! I feel like that is a strange sentiment. And maybe it is for someone approaching their mid-twenties. Yet I find myself thinking about how easy things were. Get up. Go to school. Sports practice or after school job. 

My life now is not so different. Get up. Go to work. After work drinks at the pub. Browse the internet. I’m not even sad that my life can be broken down so simply. But what does it mean? Does my life show signs of personal growth? Would it be so bad to experience the day to day knowing someone is thinking of me? Someone I can think about too? I think not. For now I will settle on being pretty happy which is ultimately what is most important. Right?